Jumble

there are too many thoughts in my head
for every one to be sorted out
and examined thoroughly.

there are things I want to say right now
that if I say them
I'll be thrown into a loony hut.

happy new year?

oh how life is passing us by.
it's almost 2009.

why am I so completely..
sick?
Sick of everything


I'm becoming a black hole.
don't get to close.

A very very unbirthday to me

I have skittles
My friend just told me she had sex, and
1 month until my birthday starting today
:D

I didn't have too great of a day,
but I'm home now
and I'm feeling a tad better.
OKAY
Hopefully this week goes by un-eventfully
because then I'll have friday to my baby and me
saturday building a ginger bread house w/ my cousins
and sunday to do whatever.
Since none of my "friends" like me
I'll most likely spend it with nicholas.

kay...
um I dunno what else to talk about right now.

Ciao.

wtf, mate?

okay,
canker sores totally SUCK.
I have peanut butter & jelly.
I miss my boyfriend.
I hate chemistry projects.

that is all.
Ciao

ok BIG rant.

I don't want friends anymore
Honest to Blog.
I'm sick of being put down,
put last,
Lied to and being treated like shit.
To me,
this is NOT what friendship is.
If you don't want to hang out with me?
Fine,
I don't care,
If I'm not worth your time,
I'll find something better to do with mine.
I'm sick of non-existant friendships.
I'm just about ready
to explode at most of you

Stop being stupid!
It's really not that hard
I'm sick of trying to hang on
to my old friendships
with the people
I used to know and love.

I'm sick of false kindness
and any other form
of Bullshit kindness.

What is real friendship to me?
I don't even know anymore.


ciao.

Gobble Gobble?

It's here,
thanksgiving.
oboi
I can't wait to stuff my face.

the continuation of my
chronic headaches is well...
Continuing?
Yeah,
I woke up with another one today.
I'm going to the doctors on monday to get this checked out.

OH YEAH.
I broke my finger.
well...it's not broken,
It's called a chip Fracture.
I fractured the bone,
and also chipped it.
So I goss a piece of bone
floatin around my right pinky finger.

okay,
I'm not depressed at the moment,
which I guess is good.
But I'm cold,
and hungry.
Imma go eats.


OMNOMNOM
Caio.

Happy Thanksgiving,
lets have our gov't go kill more Native Americans.

Some Silly Love Poem.

Okay so,
Weekly list of things that have happened:
1. My suicidal thoughts are back
2. I had therapy today instead of tomorrow
3. tomorrow is going to suck until 12.
4. I wrote a poem for Nicholas, because he didn't want me to buy him a present.

Here it is.

In a matter of speaking
I guess I could say
"I love you"
In a number of ways

You really know I care
when you sit there and stare
and all I can really do
is return with a giggle, pout, glare

I really know you love me
when you hold me right
your heartbeat gets lighter
your hands squeeze tight
Your smile makes my day
that goofy voice makes my night
I know I love you more and more
especially when we fight.

I love you
I hate you
You’re stupid
and you’re weird
you’re silly
you’re perfect
I love you,
so there

<3

caio.

Your Song

"How wonderful Life is,
Now you're in the world."
Moulin Rouge really is
My favorite movie of all time.

Well Hello hello,
how is everyone?
Oh why am I asking?
no one reads this.
FINE, I'll just
ask myself.

Hullo me, how am I doing?
I'm not doing too great.
What a suprise!
I love your sarcasm.
oh I know isn't it great?
yeah...well anyway, my week
has been very poor indeed.
I was sick sunday through tuesday
and wednesday I got my report card
and went to youth group
and got psised off by
some bitch that goes there.
even though she really shouldn't go.
Aw, that sucks
I know, shut up, I'm trying to complain here.
Oh, sorry, go on.
thank you.
ANYWAY,
the next morning,
[TODAY!]
Queen Bitch(mother)
looked at my report card
and gave me the
"you're fucking retarded" speech
Thanks, ma.
Yeah, she really is a bitch.
yes yes, we agree.

Anyway, yeah
today is thursday.
No more writing classes
daddy's at AA
I'm home alone
My boyfriend is with his friends
My best friends
are both out
well..
God knows where jaxie is xD

Liz, I think we're done here.
I think so too.

Ciao.

"Someone needs to update their journal"

thanks, Jackie.

So here it is,
my new post.

This week went
pretty well, although
Matthew went to the hospital
for apendicitis.
He is okay now
and I'm glad :]
I don't know what I'd do
if that kid got seriously sick.

I saw Kerry
and spent the day with her
all day on Tuesday.
It was sooo much fun<3

I haven't really
been sad this week
Except for friday night.

I think I'm spiralling downhill a little.

stupidsuicidalthoughts.

blah blah blah

So,

I'm depressed and I might

go lay in my bed

So I can just curl up

into a little ball

and cry myself to sleep.

Sounds like a date, then.

ciao.

Hair Straighteners and Therapy

You annoy me.

I'm leaving that sentance
open for anyone
Because it applies
to more than one person.

Now Then.
Therapy went...
er..
well, it went.
I don't feel better
nor do I feel worse.

Kerry might be getting
out of the basket bin
On monday.
I can't wait to go
to porkey's with her <3

Today is sunday.
Sunday sucks.
Want to know why?
I had to wake up early
go to church
Bring my dog to the vet
and get him a cone
because he likes to
chew his skin off.
And Now?
I have a 3:00PM game
is WEST ISLIP.
Bloody hell,
I fucking hate late games.


there goes my day.

Depression

yeahh,
I'm depressed again.
I don't know why.
god
I hate this
stupid emotion.
I can't walk
in my kicthen.

Some of you
will know why.

Shit happens.

Friday:
okay.
Halloween
was pretty much awesome.
I got a nice amount of candy
and spent the day
with my greatest friends.
Matt was kidnapped
by a bunch of Kids
in masks with bats.
They brought him back
and threw him
out of their car
with his wrists bound
in nothing but his boxor briefs.

Saturday:
My first day of counseling.
11AM,
meet weird lady,
be diagnosed
Told I am depressed
and that they hope
through Once a week coounseling
I can get better
without medication.
I think they've got
to be shitting themselves.
I'd rather be on meds.
That night I went to jackie's
There was a little
too much drama
going on between
my friends Robbie and Glen.
Not getting involved.
I passed out for a little,
then Nicholas...
Said it.
"I love you."
I'm very delighted.


Sunday:
Wake up too early,
Cold shower,
Rushed out of house,
Lose Soccer game,
get dressed in car
on way to Rehab,
Spill water on jeans in car,
Have menal breakdown,
punch self in forehead
out of frustration,
Cry for a little,
see dad,
miss dad,
eat dad's cookies,
meet dad's friends,
sit through a boring orientation,
See dad again,
eat more cookies,
say goodbye then leave.
Drop mum off at soccer game,
leave with sister
buy wendy's
talk to sister about my depression.
Learn about my godsister
and whats really going on with her.


I miss you so much kerry,
please don't kill yourself,
please get better
please let me visit you
in the hospital
I miss you so much
I want to see you asap<3

Bloody Knuckles.

I'm not having
a very good day.

School went by
wayy to slow.
It also sucked balls.

I get home
and I fall down
my staircase
and hit my head
really hard.
I now have a welt
on my forehead
and it's throbbing
to the touch.
This wouldn't of happened
if my damn mother
would of just let me
go to Nick's house
with him and Matthew.

I think my
depression is back.

:[
Ciao.

Apocalypse

I don't really know
If I'm losing my mind
Or If I can really just write
about disturbing shit.

Apocalypse;;
This is where society ends,
humanity dies,
Apocalypse begins.
The sky will turn red
from the blood and the flames
and all these broken bodies crying out in pain
Will fall to the ground, fragile, in vain.
Here God will bring down his mighty hand
and rain his armies across the land.

The moon was night
as the people burned
The flames lit up the sky
Humanity dies
The earth cries
as the flames engulfed the world.

hmmm..
I wrote that second period
In my history class.

Anyways,
Let's pick up on what i've been doing lately.
I joined a creative writing class
to get my mind off
everything that has been
going on around me.

I had a major breakdown on friday
and one of my few best friends,
Jackie R.
[I have two best friends with the name Jackie]
was there for me
the entire time.
I am so thankful
for my friends
being in my life.

Saturday,
i went into the great NYC
to visit my sister
who is going to
F.I.T
and we went to the
Photography; Photoplus Conference + Expo.
I swear
That place was
my definition of heaven.

Sunday was calming.
I won my Futbol[soccer] game
4-0
hoo-ha for me
being a good goal keeper!
:D

I'm Dying my hair tonight
for my halloween costume.
everyone is going
to freaking love me.

My costume is
almost finished
I just need to
spray my staff gold
and glue the cane piece
to the top.


sweet.
Ciao.

Schism

I have no idea
what this post is for.

I'm Hungry.

Ciao

Sorry.

Hullo.
So,
Today was a totally suck-it day.
Nothing really went right.
I'm getting sick.
Literally sick.
It sucks.
OK.
Moving on.
After my totally bad day
and flipping a shit
on two people
who really didn't deserve it,
I tried to apoligize to cat
but I sort of got
her window in my face
and an "I really don't care"
o__o
I sent a text
but she never responded.
Maybe I'm just a really bad friend.
ah well, there's something else
I can add to the list.

Nick came over
thank god
I wouldn't of stopped crying
all day if he hadn't
We cuddled up
on the couch
and watched bad TV
:D
He's a pretty amazing guy
I'm glad I love him.
After he left,
I just zoned out on my couch
and started drooling.

I went to church at 6,
and my mum picked me up,
with our friends 2 1/2 month old baby.
Morissa, she's a doll
loves to scream though.
she wasn't that bad
though, I am
thoroughly exhausted now.

This post is too long.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to bed.

Ciao.

Typical

Which does not fit?

a. I'm tired.
b. I'm stressed.
c. I'm sick.
d. I'm happy.

well,
it's true
I am all of these things
but I'm happy.
I did yoga today
By myself
My mum is at
her soccer game
and iam home alone.

I'm talking to Spin.
What a weird kid.
wait
all my friends are weird.

cool.
Ciao.

Patrik Och Lillen Vifta Med Händerna

I wish I knew what that meant.
Maybe Jackie knows.

Anwyay,
I have a cut in the back of my throat
due to my nails
and it's healing
and the healing process
HURTS LIKE A BITCH.
I can't eat
swallow
yawn
or even sing D:

Work last night sucked.
Whoever said that the generation after mine
was a bunch of whore-ish little midgets
Really hit the nail on the head.
The party was in a club called Warehouse 5
Really hot joint
but not for a bunch
of skimpy little 12-13 year olds,
trying to act like theyre 21.
My mum didn't believe me at first,
until they started acting like assholes to her,
refusing pictures,
and every guy had a chick on his lap.

SKANKS.

anyways,
Satruday night was awesome,
sunday night sucked.
Maybe today will be better :]
I've already done the kitty litter
and cleaned Remé's cage.
lets see how far it goes from here.


ciao

Lazy Fridays

Yeah, pretty much a lazy friday.

Anyway, today

has been decent

My father is finally in rehab

to stay.

he said goodbye this morning

Thought he was going to cry.

Ah well,

Iam with my friends right now.

Not bored,

but kinda edgy

I mean,

Nick hasn't took his eyes of the TV for more than 5 seconds

and his "hello" to me was

Him looking at the TV and muttering "hullo"

Whoever said ignorance is bliss

Should totally get a kiss.

Anyway,

I'm bored, and talking to Danny on meebo.

I wish I was at the mall with justin :[

He would know how to cheer me up

Maybe just like he used to in Elementary school.

Ah well, I'll see him sunday,

hopefully :/

I can't wait for halloween.

I need a costume...

BAD.

It's all hell from here.

My dad's in rehab
as an in-patient
He lied to the workers and said his family needed him
and he got kicked out
He's travelling to different hospitals
looking to be detoxed and put into another rehab.

I'm glad he's getting help,
but my family is falling apart
All because he started drinking again
after almost 20 years sobriety.

My mum screamed at me today
and hit my arm
Leaving a nice bruise on it
all while on the phone with my sister.
Sometimes I really jsut want to say "fuck you"
and walk out of the house
and down the street
and start a new life.

Either I think that or
"I really want a cigarette, too bad I don't smoke"


I hate this hosue more and more.
I need an escape.

Fuck it.

I'm getting so sick
I'm getting so tired
I am getting so sick and tired of living here,
in this house,
with these people.

I'm so close to death lately,
I can feel him.

My self control is getting weak
The attacks are too much to handle.
School is killing me
French and Chemistry
Are killing me the most.
I even do my work..

I can't do anything right.

Democrats, Republicans, and alcoholics

well well well.
An interesting end to another boring school week.
I've been thinking lately..
About a lot thats been on my mind..
I'm a hopeless romantic D:
it's almost sad
because I used to hate romance
now I tend to yearn for it when i like someone.
and I like Nicholas...a lot
anyways
This week wasn't the best
I was just told today
I'm failing French.


OYAY

bye for now.

What do I need?

well,
today was certainly interesting
But not very good.
It went along like any other day
Photo isn't going
too well D:
I'm not happy lately.
I'm not sad either
I don't know whats
wrong with me, really.
I'm going insane I guess
Kayla, the darling
gave me her therapists card
so Imma give her a call
and see how that goes.

kbai

So here I am. I had to give up my defences.

Ohai.
I doubt this will be read
I don't care
It's a blog for me
to vent about my days
whether they be dreary
happy
sad
exciting
eventful
or just plain stupid.
They're usually stupid.
Kudos to Fantastic Fiasco for showing me this.
Thanks Jackie <3

well,
today went well.
I'm playing with my rat
He likes to clean himself on my shoulder
:]

bye for now.